Were you a 70s pop idol? Did you used to have what it takes to have a biopic made about you?
Hi, we're Biopic Productions, and we're in the biopic business. If you had any kind of career in the Seventies, let us help you remind people of who you used to be. Let us portray you as even more successful and record-breaking than you really were. Let us make your story into a biopic, and you can just sit back and wait for a TV network to snap it right up.
The Monkees, The Jacksons, and David Cassidy have cashed in. Leif Garrett's episode of Behind The Music is one of VH-1's most popular. Why, just last week, on ABC, the Osmonds had their story told, and they didn't even have tales of sexual exploits, drug abuse, or maiming car accidents. All they had was a little bankruptcy problem. Your story has got to be more interesting than theirs.
People need to know about the pressures you had to deal with, from your overbearing/alcoholic/bipolar father and the millions of sex-starved teenage groupies who fellated you backstage and belied your wholesome image.
And regular folks can't hear too many times that fame and fortune aren't all they're cracked up to be.
We have everything it takes to tell your story. We've got a studio, racks and racks of open-chested jumpsuits, a full supply of hairpieces and makeup, and a stable of unknown actors who can't wait to give up their restaurant jobs and won't mind making themselves unrecognizable to play you.
We can offer you an executive producer credit, and a possible bump in album sales from nostalgia markets*. We can even arrange for a little plastic surgery so you can make your obligatory cameo in the film with confidence.
All you have to do is read the following agreement and hit Submit. And keep on truckin'!
(*This has not been proven.)
Biopic Productions Agreement:
"I hereby certify that in the Seventies, I was a Billboard-charting teen idol. I made at least one appearance on American Bandstand, and may or may not have had my own TV show. I was a non-threatening, effeminate guy with lots of hair on my head but none on my face, and I was thin enough to sleep in an envelope. I attended at least one party given by Jack Nicholson, Harry Nillson, and/or Roger Vadim. I really wanted to play rock and roll, but they forced me to play pop and pose for Tiger Beat. They wouldn't let me write or sing my own stuff. I was a puppet, man. A puppet for the evil network executives who only cared about getting asses in chairs. They didn't care about my integrity, man."