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May 8 - 14, 2000

 
Gladiator Gets
Weepy...

 
Sex Is An HBO
Fave...

 
Skinemax Holds
Your
Interest..

 
What's Really
A Sport...?

 
Five
Misleading Names...

 



Recent
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Staple
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USA Network's new game shows

 
 Free or Full: Cinemax Delivers What You Need
Don't want your significant other to see the sex channels on your bill and think you're a callous-handed degenerate? Cinemax understands.

Don't want to have to tell your cable company you want to order Sex Court: Jugs of Justice? Cinemax understands.

Because weeknights after 11:30, Cinemax drops its guise as a mild-mannered HBO clone (without the interesting original programming) and brings on the soft-core action.

But you already know that, don't you?

For the uninitiated, there are two flavors of Cinemax soft porn (a.k.a. Skinemax): those movies that aspire to be about something other than naked breasts (the Tissue-Free), and those that don't (the Tissue-Full). Please allow us to break it down for you, won't you?

First, the Tissue-Free: a tall, blond, calculating bitch (Shannon Tweed) swindles older, wealthy businessmen by courting them, killing them, and taking the loot. One old coot's daughter gets stiffed (heh heh) in the will, and she and her low-rent boyfriend go after Tweed. Everyone cons everyone, people get their heads smashed in. But you see breasts. There's usually no buildup, just quick sex scenes; certainly not enough time to take care of business. This is the kind of movie that labels itself "Suspense" or "Thriller." Besides the topless women, the only other thing that separates this from a bad Lifetime movie is that the women are all cold, man-eating bitches instead of hapless victims with no makeup on.

And now, the Tissue-Full: young, innocent Angela (often played by someone "named" Bunny Bleu, Sandra Scream or Chesty McGillicutty) is not very experienced, though she clearly has ungodly breast implants, so she must be thinking about it. Her older, jaded roommate (the former Dana Plato role) "dances" at the local strip joint. She teases Angela about how pure she is, and makes a pass at her ("How does that make you feel?") to indoctrinate her into the world of "grown-up sex." Angela gives and gets lap dances, sits in a chair and watches her friends screw while touching herself, and rips off a clerk at a vegetable stand by distracting him by touching her roommate while she fellates a carrot. This is the kind of classic "Coming of Age" story (get it?) that is created for the sole purpose of snapping one out (or several, depending on your gender/stamina). It's all perfectly timed---the buildup, the climax, the "resting period" that's used to advance the "plot," the next buildup, etc.

One thing all the Skin-e-flix have in common is their hilariously juvenile idea of the business world. When the films take place at corporate offices, the women dress the way preteen girls dress their Barbies for work---pink stilettos, tight miniskirt, flimsy silk blouse, long hair up in a bun (better to cascade down when she's thrown onto the board room table).

It's also the way women dress on any Aaron Spelling production. Which is why you should expect to see the soon-to-be-unemployed Tori popping out on Skinemax any day now.

Angry Girl


 


Which do you like better, HBO or Cinemax?


HBO. The Sopranos makes up for every naked breast I no longer get to see on the now-canceled Dream On.

Cinemax. I am single. I do not have a signficant other. I have needs, man.


Last Week's Poll:
Now that Party of Five is gone, do you think J.D. Salinger will be able to rightfully regain pop culture's hold on his last name?

Yes. (44%) But he's probably worried about Fox's forthcoming series: Holden Caufield High.

No. (55%) Not as long as conspiracy wack-job Pierre Salinger waxes rhapsodic about terrorists blowing up TWA flights.