May 29 - June 3, 2001

Pearl Harbor
Is Soft &

Angie Sez
Buh-Bye To Law &

No 'I' In
Freedom Of

High-Profile Outings...



Shaq & Kobe Keep Rolling...

The XFL Dies...

NBA Draft Prospects...

What's Wrong With The NFL Draft...

The Oakland A's Struggle

Forget The Sticks And Stones: Get Out The Tongue-Cuttin' Knife!!!
We applaud the Tennessee Secondary Schools Athletic Association. Talk about taking the right kind of stand.

Cameron Boyd of Bearden, TN, (that little punk!) along with his partner Brandon Allen, had split the first two sets of the state high school doubles tennis championship. Boyd (who should be dragged by his toes behind a pickup) lost his serve to drop to 3-5 in the third set. In a moment of upset and passion, Boyd (if anyone has a picture, send it to us, we'll gladly put it up on the Web so the boy can be blacklisted) shouted "Jesus Christ!"

Evidently, TSSAA rules allow a player to shout "Jesus" and "Christ" as separate utterances of excitement or agitation. But put the two together?

Well, the match was defaulted. Boyd (that boy needs a whuppin'!) and Allen were declared the losers. Taking the Lord's name in vain (even if he's not your Lord) is just going too far. Presumably, the worry is that Jesus Christ will hear his name, and will accidentally show up at a tennis match, instead of church or someplace more holy. And we can't have that.

All of which put us in the mind of true justice. If the TSSAA can protect the Lord & Savior's name in athletics, then why can't other penalties based on verbal transgressions affect a game's outcome? Imagine the possibilities:

* After he dunks a ball, well-traveled hooligan New York Knick Larry Johnson prefers to tell his opponent, "You can't stop me, motherf----er!!!" The next time he does so, the game will be stopped, and Larry will be taken to center court for a special ceremony. His own mother will be walked blindfolded from the stands, where a naked and waiting Ron Jeremy will dim the lights, pour some brandy, and show L.J. the consequences of his poor manners.

* Denver Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan has never seen his team commit a penalty. Not ever. Every call is a railroad job, and is almost always greeted by Shanahan with his favorite word: "Bulls--t!!!" The next time he does so, we propose another simple ritual. It will involve a dump truck, some pre-grazed cattle, and a mouthful of fecal matter.

* Uber-goon Darius Kasparaitis of the Pittsburgh Penguins is known to mix it up on the ice. And after a scrum around the goalie, old Darius is known to take extra-special care to tell his opposite number, "F--k you!" Imagine his surprise when the other fellow begins his striptease, revealing a slinky little teddy (and a whole lot of back hair). Who's got the Johnson's Baby Oil!

Sure, fight and punch and spit all you want. Heck, we prefer you make physical contact, and it's even better if you got a shotgun in your locker. Choke your coach. Punch a guy below the belt. That's sports, man. And guys like John Rocker and Julian Tavarez, who spout off about faggots and such? Well, those are words, and we don't like words very much. But heck, they weren't actually on the field of play, and besides, Jesus didn't like faggots either, right! So those boys are okay, too!

Yessir. Thank heavens the TSSAA is here to protect our standards and morals. If only the rest of sports could follow their lead....



Have you ever sworn while playing sports?

Yes. After he fouled me, I once told a guy to "piss off," and while it was messy, the floor did have an incredibly lemony shine.

No. But I *have* told blasphemous punk editors to go f**k themselves....

Last Week's Poll:
Will the Lakers win it all?

Hell, Yes. (45%) Does Phil Jackson's little facial-hair thingy gather crumbs?

Heck, No. (55%) I still believe in clean living and that noted homophobe, David Robinson.