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August 21 - September 5, 2000

 
Godzilla-Sized
Cheese...

 
Chuck & Buck
Surprises You...

 
Greed Is
Bull..

 
Americans Have
Big Battles...

 
Summer
Olympics In Springtime

 
Five
Non-Gambling Las Vegas
Attractions...

 



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Twice
WNBA's Lack Of Inspiration...

Ugly
The NFL's Ugliest Teams Are...

High
Sloppy Seconds In Cooperstown...

Campaign
Tiger Woods and That Other Guy...

Nuclear
The N(everending) F(irearms) L(eague)...

 
September Showers Brings October Flowers
As the summer slowly comes to an end, in one short month, we shall be greeted with the wonderful Summer Olympics. "Summer" meaning "Autumn," of course, when sporting thoughts turn to Yankee coronations and Dennis Miller over-referencations. Does it feel odd to you to?

Not as odd as it will feel in Sydney, host of the Millennial games. It seems it's still winter there. Fortunately, the first day of Spring will occur before the opening ceremonies. Hmm. Are those metal studs under the sprinters' jerseys, or are they just glad to see us? Sure, America will still be warm: Chicago will still have a heat wave or two. Houston will still be muggy. NBC and the Madison Avenue boys are gambling that we're too dumb to notice the weather difference between Here and Down There. And we generally are pretty dumb. After all, Dan Rather is still on the air.

Ah, the Spring Olympics. Archers will be sneezing in the hay fever. Does Australia have bears? They could then awake from hibernation. The rabbits, those bazillion Australian rabbits, will surely be screwing to make a bazillion more. And badminton!

Shannon Miller should be there. Perhaps she'll turn 40 while we watch. Dominique Moceanu had to withdraw due to injury, so there'll be no Family Court to occupy our post-Survivor hangovers. Jim Nantz won't be there because he's employed by CBS, THANK GOD. Of course, we'll still be watching him discuss the AFC, but that ain't nearly so bad as him schmaltzing over some discus thrower's heartwarming bout with jaundice.

NBC will probably trod out their most valuable sports property, Hannah Storm. She'll bare her fangs and we'll buy some Garnett jerseys. We'll get women's soccer and chickhoops out the ying-yang. Dreamteamers will be waxing philosophiic about how they wish they could be anywhere else. Another tennis tournament. Debate about whether we should have another golf tournament. Tiger Woods will expect to be paid.

People will hate it interrupting the new fall schedule. Al Gore will hate it cutting into his time for a rebound. Sports fans might've hated it screwing around with their football and baseball, if the Olympics were on a network that mattered. Ah the NFL. Going to enjoy those games. The A's and the Angels will go down to the wire for the American League's Wildcard. Who's going to care about volleyball?

And then there's the two most dreaded words in televised sports: "Tape Delay." Nothing like the Internet to take away any possible anticipation regarding that big water polo final, of which NBC will only show eight minutes anyway. We sleep, they play. They sleep, we watch Big Brother.

And after three weeks, it will all be over. Got to get it over before the first October snow. We canít be glued to synchronized swimming when we've got a bass boat to winterize.

Banico Roberts


 


Isn't it sad that Dominique Moceanu won't be at the Syndey Games?


Yes. She was such a little sprite, and such a wonderful counterpoint to that little bitch Keri Strug.

No. As long as Amy Chow's in attendance, my heart will continue to pitter-patter.


Last Week's Poll:
Do you think the Comets will do it again this year, or will they run into a buzzsaw in the Western Conference Finals when they run up against the hungry Sparks?

Comets. (27%) The three-time champs will find a way to get it done.

Wha? (72%) I'm sorry, dude, I'm a little too busy keeping track of the Hiroshima Karp.