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  Big
September 13 - 19, 1999

 
Stigmata
 
Get Real (Fox)
 
Action (Fox)
 
Sunday
Suckers...

 
Five
Inconsequential
Behemoths

 



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Sunday Suckers...
The NFL is here. Oh my god, it's been so long. What does it bring? It's like Brady Bunch Skyrockets, a September utopia. Little did you know how your stomach was going to churn...

You thought you had the game won, right? The 'Skins are up 35-14 over Dallas? The Bengals are up by 9 with ten minutes to go on the mighty Tennessee Titans? The Raiders have never looked better against that punkass Packer quarterback Favre? Sorry, chumps!

This was the Sunday for comebacks. Dallas beats Washington 41-35 in overtime, and Emmitt looked pretty good, even without a walker. Tennessee wins on the last play over Cincinnati. Favre, practically playing with an I.V. trailing behind him if you believed the play-by-play, passes for a winning fourth TD as time expires. New England and Arizona both win on last second field-goals.

Poor Tuna. Not only do the Jets lose the squeaker to New England, they lose Vinnie, their furry little QB, to an Achilles injury. Doctors are learning that the Achilles particularly strikes people who try to stay too long... Vinnie. Dan Marino. Kirstie Alley, Britney Spears, your ankles tingling yet?

Trent Dilfer spent Sunday doing his best Vinnie impersonation. The Tampa Bay QB turns the ball over 4 times leading to 2 direct touchdowns and 1 quick field-goal - exactly all of the New York Giants' points. Oh yeah, and to Tampa's loss. Both of Trent's Achilles were fine, but they might as well been hanging bloodily out of him, with all of the playing time he's going to see in the near future.

Dallas comes back on Washington. Tennessee comes back on Cincinnati. What does it mean? Well... Washington's secondary sucks. Dallas's secondary blows. Cincinnati's secondary spews. And, Tennessee? Their secondary, well, you fill it in. Oral sex not required. These high scores do not spell Superbowl, in any Kama Sutra.

And how about those Niners? Jacksonville beat them 91-3, and the Jags didn't even play well. San Fran QB Steve Young tripped over the soggy Florida turf, his offensive line, and his feet. Is this the Bill Walsh we know and love? They could trade for O.J. Simpson and couple him with Lawrence Phillips. Defenses would adjust, and cheerleaders run scared.

Ahhhhhhhhhh. We are so glad the season is here. We're equally glad we didn't bet on anybody. Too many teams pulled it out in the end. But it is not the end... Only the beginning.

Banico Roberts


 


Now that Vinnie is lost for the season, will the Jets rebound this fall?


Yes. The entire Jets squad will attempt to grow eyebrow hair like Vinnie so they can all try out for Gremlins III together.

No. With a punter for a quarterback, Keyshawn and company can't get the damn ball and resort to selling sperm for cash. Only Wayne Chrebet shows up broke next Sunday.


Last Week's Poll:
Are you surprised that the NFL has allowed the entire nation of Australia to be represented in the NFC East this year?

Yes. (0%) What the hell are you talking about?

No. (100%) I only hope they get to play Shannon Sharpe and staplegun his tongue to his cleats.