October 18 - 24, 1999

Fight Club
Teens on TV
Five Recent



Philly Inbreds Score

By The Time You Read This, I Will Be Dead

NFL Whacked-A-Mole

Sunday Suckers...

Dolphins Will Go Down Under To Take It All

Sunday was ten years to the day of the Loma Prieta quake that rocked San Francisco and outlying areas during the World Series. Had it happened today, the quake would have struck during less glamorous times, due to the advent of the baseball Wild Card. But it's football we're interested in.

So... Football. 1989 saw the San Francisco 49ers as one of the great dominant teams. Ten years later we're left with rubble (it may be .500 rubble, but the radio in the Bay area is waiting for the Apocalypse). The Niners are in hell.

Losing to the lowly Carolina Panthers won't even dominate the weekly Q & A's. It's all Steve Young's noggin. Young said "Umm" too many times? Is premature senility setting in? Puh-leeze. Let the poor guy alone. Can he not sleep? Was it the concussion or the gaggle of reporters hanging outside his window looking for blood in his ears? Steve should use these next two weeks, where he's guaranteed not to play, to take a vacation to his version of Siberia. It will be better for us all.

The Niners' problems are not tied to Young's. They can't protect his jumpy backup, Jeff Garcia, either. Garcia has the arm strength of Kerry Collins' anterior lobe; his jump throw makes even Britney Spears giggle.

Their top three receivers, Jay-Ree Rice, Terrell Owens, and J.J. Stokes, take up roughly of 2/3rds of the salary cap. Their kicker can outrun them all (although his hands aren't as good). O.J. Simpson's crackho couldn't give advice to the Niners' cornerbacks (although Pedro Guerrero might). San Fran's O-line is leaky as hell. They're also $20 million over the salary cap next year. Here at the Sportsmole, we recommend keeping Terrell Owens and safety Lance Shulters and jettisoning the rest.

We'd keep Steve Young too, but coach and GM are probably going to make the decision for us and him. Retire or end your career somewhere else. It's not right and there's no glory, but at least Steve won't eat his prime rib from a straw.

Alas, the Los Angeles area had the earthquake this weekend. The New York Mets lose when they should win and win when they should lose. They sure as hell don't know when to go away. As for the Bosox, well.... Sneak through games 5 and 6, and Pedro will take care of 7.

Banico Roberts


Now that Rams' QB Kurt Warner is the first freakin' listing on Yahoo!'s auction home page, will former-first Brittney Spears be able to keep performing at a high level?

Yes. Brittney's surgeon is the one truly responsible for Brittney's "high level," and he's a Rams fan.

No. I'm worried she might get distracted and let the intensity of her songwriting and singing dramatically dip.

Last Week's Poll:
If you had to choose between attending a Philadelphia sporting event or having your scrotum chewed out by a wolverine, would you be able to poop?

Yes. (0%) Perhaps the wolverine could stay attached and handle some of my messier body functions.

No. (100%) But at least I wouldn't be in Philadelphia.