February 21 - 27, 2005

Keanu Is

NBA All-Star

Five On The
Dais Of The Dead



Sammy Sosa And The Bambino...

Our Super Bowl Preview...

Stupid People In Football...

Terrell Owens's Big Break...

Baseball's Latest Signings...

NBA All-Stars: I Love THIS Game?
"Ooh! Dooood! You just see Kobe and Shaq refuse to look at each other before the tipoff! Ooh, mama! More frost on those boys than Walt Disney!"

"Yowza, daddy! How about that music act between the first and second quarters? A hiphop violin player. Doing Jay-Z. Yummy!"

"Isn't that Puff-Daddy on the DiamondVision? And there's Beyonce! And there's...Rob Reiner?"

"Yeah, and Grant Hill's wife sang before the game. Grant Hill's wife? And she sang 'Oh Canada?'"

"Who's winning the game?"

"That slam dunk contest sure was sweet, huh? How about that young dude putting on a Dominique Wilkins jersey?"

"Yeah, and Charles Barkley telling the world TNT wasted its money paying for that stupid thing where the TV camera leaves ghost images of a dunking dude as he jumps? That was hi-larious."

"What was Craig Sager wearing?"

"Who's winning the game?"

"Remember that time Bird called his shot in the three-point contest?

"Ooh, how about the time Magic had AIDS and Karl Malone said he's have to think twice about playing in a game with him, and then Magic miraculously won the MVP?"

"Who's winning the game?"

"Dood! That's Nelly!"

"Nelly Furtado? She's like a burn, she'll only fly away?"

"I think it's 'bird.'"

"Yeah. He called his shot in the three-point contest."

"Why didn't LeBron play in the dunking thing?"

"His agent told him it was bad news. Lose-lose. He wins, he was supposed to. He loses, America decides he sucks."

"Who's winning the game?"

"You see Kobe do that fallaway thing? And then he called Shaq's wife two Tooties short of a Natalie."

"Oh, snap! Then Shaq dunked on Yao, and called Kobe's mother 'Rape-Mama.'"

"Ouch. That hits him where it hurts. And I guess where it hurts is pretty much right here in Colorado."

"Is that Tracy McGrady who keeps throwing the ball off the backboard?"

"I dunno, I'm distracted by the glare off Rob Reiner's head."

"Who's winning the game?"

"Why is Gilbert Arenas wearing those ugly red sneakers?"

"Did Ben Wallace shave his head?"

"Seriously, I think those red sneakers are sending me into epileptic seizure."

"Puffy doesn't really drive a Pepsi truck. Except when he's pretending to run in marathons."

"Kobe just put his fist inside Shaq's nostril and flipped him the bird."

"Right. That's what I said. The guy who called his shot. It was Bird."

"Who's winning the game?"

"Omigod! Shaq just ate Kobe!"

"Why did Dr. J sound like Don King during the dunk contest?"

"Can somebody please ask Kenny Smith to stop shouting?"

"It's halftime and there's a horse on the basketball floor."

"Will you lookit that? Shaq just regurgitated Kobe in the manner of a ball python."

"Kobe's covered in ooze. But at least the ooze is sliming up Gilbert Arenas's shoes."

"Can anyone explain to me why this thing is on TNT and not ABC?"

"Who's winning the game?"



Which is harder to watch?

NBA All-Stars. I simply do not need to see Allen Iverson smile that much.

NFL Pro Bowl. If I wanted to watch the NFL's 13th-best linebacker play because the other 12 couldn't be bothered to show up, I would just watch Arizona Cardinals games like everyone else.

Last Week's Poll:
Who hits more dingers this season?

Sosa. (76%) It's his encephalitic head that provide's Sammy's incredible leverage, and I'm betting that even off the juice, Sammy's noggin will take a full season to shrink back down to human size.

Giambi. (23%) Giambi hits a meaningless homer for the 80-81 Yanks on the last day of the season to give him one for the year; Sosa's head pops on Opening Day.