April 26 - May 2, 2004

Eat In 30
, Smile For
A Lifetime...

Draft's Manning-Related Drama...

Five Culprits
In Horse
Racing's Death...



Masters At The Wire...

Prepare For Baseball Cliches...

ESPN's Relentless Self-Promotion

Kentucky Messes Up Your Bracket...

Marge Schott Speaks...

Manning, Chargers, Giants All Act Like Idiots
The NFL Draft is history and we feel vaguely disappointed and we don't know why. So what if we took our Zoloft on alternating days. The art of self-medication is not as easy as it used to be. There was supposed to be all of this wheeling and dealing, and there was, we're not saying there wasn't, but we don't know, you know.

Everybody tries to walk around like a bird in heat. The Oakland Raiders act like they're going to skewer some poor unsuspecting team when trading for the second pick in the draft, then keep it, and finally draft the safest player available, Robert Gallery. We expected more cachet from Oakland. A higher Q-rating. More style. Of course, compared to the kindergarten that broke out immediately before and after the pick. By comparison, Oakland deserves a spot on the Iraqi governing council. We are talking about, of course, the Eli Manning to San-Diego-to-New-York defenestration.

Eli Manning says he's not ever playing for the San Diego Chargers ever. Why? Again, we don't know. When drafted, he accepted his jersey and ballcap, trying to take some form of a high road. The fine people at ESPN tried to get him to answer the question, but again, just some vague mealy-mouthed assurances that he can't play for San Diego. Bad Tea? The Heebeegeebees? Gingivitis? Not a single good reason. So he's a big tough guy.

The Chargers, meanwhile, knowing full well that Eli wants no part of them, of course, draft Eli. Nobody is going to tell new big GM what to do. We'll give away our careers rather than back down, this from a franchise that drafted Ryan Leaf and traded away Michael Vick. You know, whatever they do, it can't turn out right, like headlining The Bachelor.

(major sidetrack... So you want to be The Bachelor? You are the star, Jessie Palmer, and were the backup QB of the Giants. You are now the backup backup QB, thanks to Eli Manning. This can't be good for future employment. This effing show does not help you. This idiotic show will cause you to be fired, demoted, and suffer embarrassments of unquantifiable proportions. You know this, right? YOU KNOW THIS...?)

Okay. Then there's the stubbornness of the New York Giants. They won't pay a premium to get the first pick in the draft. Not even a little bit. The Chargers? They have no leverage. Eli won't play for them, and thus they can't draft him. So they don't trade with San Diego, and are hit by a virtual two-by-four when the Chargers actually draft him. The Giants act cool, but see that tail of theirs? It is running between the legs. You know the Giant football execs were content with the boneheaded outcome. One first round QB is as likely a bust/superstar as the next. But ownership must have offered a smooth, non-abrasive, hermetically sealed directive (finally some sense): Manning! Here! Now! So New York paid, and paid big for him in a trade.

San Diego is thus bailed out, just like they said they'd be. Idiots. Whatever they said to piss the Mannings off, why they still drafted him, how they fell into the trade that saved their asses, all subchapters to the Idiot's Guide To Plum Idiots.

New York? Well, amateurs, see also: Bunch of.

And Manning? Good for him for getting what he wanted. Why he wanted it, well, our reason and antidepressants and palm-reading fortune tellers don't mention....

Banico Roberts


Why do the New England Patriots keep drafting tight ends?

Because Of This. The NFL is considering an obscure rule change, whereby all offenses will have to line up with 7 tight ends. Those Pats. Always thinking.

No, Because Of This. Three words: fast beefy hunks.

Last Week's Poll:
Now who's the best golfer never to win a major?

This Guy. (25%) Davis Love III, because he's a preening poodle and no one counts winning the PGA, anyway.

No, This Guy. (74%) Colin Montgomerie, the only man on the PGA Tour with a nicer set of tits than Mickelson.