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January 18 - 23, 2000

 
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Murder in the NFL

 
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All right. So the Rams will have to wait another week to prove themselves complete frauds.

Ahem.

In the meantime, the NFL coaching carousel spins faster than Jesse Jackson's grandstanding noggin at a shareholders' meeting of Ray Rhodes, Inc. Rhodes, Pete Carroll, Mike Ditka, Chan Gailey, Bill Parcells and Jimmy Johnson are all gone, and Wade Phillips should be. (Question: If Wade's daddy's nickname was "Bum," what does that make the boy who comes outta Bum?) We hear the Green Bay job will be filled by yet another guy no one's ever heard of, and Rams offensive guru Mike Martz won't go anywhere, 'cuz he thinks Vermiel is going to die really soon, and he's been promoted to vice-Vermiel. But for all the other vacancies, we know who goes where:

New England---Bill Belichik. Freakin' duh. Let's see...Ever-honest Bob Kraft knocks off Carroll just in time for the Tuna to announce his retirement, so he can make untoward advances in the direction of defensive coordinator Belichik. Didn't this happen on Santa Barbara? Belichik is just short enough to get down into Krafty's favorite position.

Miami---Anyone Who Will Keep Dan Marino. Okay, okay. It's Dave Wannstedt. (Nice mustache, Dave.) We don't particularly care for the Fish, so we're just pleased as punch to hear former Poop-Bear Wanny talk about how "it's up to Marino" whether he comes back. Isn't that like saying it's up to Clark Gable whether he wins another Academy Award? He's dead, Jim.

New Orleans---Doesn't Matter.

New York Jets---Bill Parcells. He's still swearing up and down he won't come back, but the Tuna really has lost all credibility, no? Even if they hand the figurehead title to someone like Al Groh, everyone and their momma---yep, even the ass in the fire helmet---will know who's calling the shots. It'll be the year 2130, and Jets fans will still figure Parcells is secretly running the show, pulling out all the stops, and sticking it to Bob Kraft IX's Patriots. He'll never die. Hey, this guy isn't just proportioned like Elvis....

Dallas---Jimmy Johnson. Can't Cowboy owner Jerry Jones and Johnson stop all this repressed homosexuality and get to the business of making a warm, solid nest for the players? The last time we saw this much tension between two dudes we were watching Will & Grace. Boys, you need one another. Stop the years of bickering, and let's see a little hug, all right? Now let's get out there and buy some damn cocaine.

Tubemaster


 


Are the Miami Dolphins, as J.J. put it, "in great shape."


Yes. If by "in great shape" you mean "primed to break into the neighbors' house and watch them have sex."

No. Bad sign #34: Marino now blames incompletions on Loki, Norse god of mischief


Last Week's Poll:
Are you from Buffalo?

Yes. (11%) And these are my wrists; see how well they're healing?

No. (88%) Hahahahahahahahaha.