July 7 - 13, 2003

We Review 4th

Colin Quinn
Spouts Off...

Kobe's Trials,
Travails, And
Selig's Testicles...

Five Public
Radio Shows...



Bears Sponsorship Gives Us Ideas...

Why The Cubs Won't Win...

SportsHole Goes Golfing...

Funny Cide Loses...

Tyson Loses It Again...

Lakers To Dominate, Lance To Subjugate, Selig Can't Masturbate
Miscellaneous thoughts shaken loose from our sporting mind, during the time we were supposed to be watching the Mariners-Rangers game Sunday night, except ESPN decided we'd find the Dodgers-Diamondbacks tilt much more intoxicating (p.s., we didn't):

Lakers Possibly Sign Malone, Payton. Let's see: Shaq, Kobe, Karl Malone and Gary Payton on the same starting five? That's the rumor coming out of the House That Jack (Nicholson) Built. If it happens, we're torn. Half of us thinks it's a guaranteed ring. The other half tries to imagine Malone and Payton setting aside their Yao-Ming-sized egos while watching Kobe hoist 38 shots one night in Cleveland, as Bryant tries to out-LeBron LeBron. Kinda hard to picture, ain't it? The good part? The Lakers sign these guys, the Mavs take Alonzo Mourning and Jermaine O'Neal, the Spurs grab Jason Kidd, and bingo, you've got three NBA teams, and we can do away with the regular season. Talk about a fond dream....

Kobe Arrested. Except hold on a second: Bryant was arrested this weekend for an alleged sexual assault at a hotel near Vail, where he was staying in preparation to have surgery on his right knee. Naturally, we don't know what really happened (would anyone be shocked if a superstar athlete thought he was above the law? would anyone fall over dead if the woman turned out to be lying?), but if you want comedy, tune into Jim Rome for the next couple days. In his stilted, fellating way, Rome is Bryant's biggest booster, and will no doubt spend his every on-air minute besmirching Kobe's accuser, minus any actual facts. Hey, facts don't stop Romey. The only things that stop Romey are his looooooong pauses, during which he regurgitates what he's just said, then says it again. Pause. And again. Pause. And again. God, that's good radio.

Wimbledon. Boy, that Roger Federer. His win this weekend is the best sports TV moment so far this year. Well, either that or the 1998 World Poker Championships ESPN rebroadcast all Sunday afternoon.

Tour De Lance. You know it's a slow sports time when Lance Armstrong's name hits the local news circuit. During the Tour De France's first stage, Armstrong crashed with some other drivers, but recovered to finish seventh. French cycling fans (is there any other kind?) claim the asphalt on which Lance landed was laced with performance-enhancing substances.

Fox Gives Bud Selig A Brief Look At His Own Castrated Testicles. Does anyone who wasn't planning on watching baseball's All-Star Game somehow find the game more appealing now that the winner will host the World Series in October? In terms of promotions, this is right up there with Burger King's "Have Sex With Roseanne, Win A Chocolate Shake!" contest a few years back.

Kariya, Selanne Reuinted. Paul Kariya took a meager $1.2 million from the Colorado Avalanche so that he could play on a line with his old friend Teemu Selanne and superstar center Joe Sakic. To put this in perspective, that's the financial equivalent of you accepting $5 to fly to Arizona and let Charles Barkley spit on you. Well, except no one's going to spit on Kariya. And he really doesn't have to fly anywhere. And also he's going to make more than a million dollars.

I'm Pretty Sure That Was The Cutter. Every pitch ESPN baseball analyst Joe Morgan sees is a cut fastball. "That was the cutter," says Joe. "He's got that nasty cutter." According to Morgan, last night's home-plate umpire Chuck Meriwether had one hell of a cutter going on his throws back to the mound. "Look at the way that ball tails," Morgan said of Mary Thicke, 91, who received a complimentary souvenir ball from Dodger slugger Shawn Green but accidentally dropped it in the aisle. "Definitely a cutter."



Does this year's MLB All-Star Game format make you more likely to watch?

Yes. I'm so excited, I can hardly wait. Please also note, however, that I lost my daughter's college tuition money betting on the NFL Pro Bowl.

No. My ability to sympathize with spoiled millionaire athletes begins and ends with regular season games. Plus my gutters are packed with mud.

Last Week's Poll:
Which is a more natural sponsorship?

This One. (36%) Darth Vader Presents...The New York Yankees!

No, This One. (63%) The Los Angeles Beakman's Smegma-Be-Gone Clippers.