And still we hammer out SportsHole. Don't expect anything clearheaded (not that we've ever given you reason to.) This is a day for sick, incoherent ranting about things we dislike. Let's get started....

Sports Illustrated
We brought up Hemingway with a purpose. No, not to illustrate what pseudo-academic hacks we are; the wool jackets with elbow patches do that. We brought him up because SI didn't. In December, SI published their "Top 100 Sports Books," a list that included some gems (books that receive our highest rating---five Vesceys---like Coover's The Universal Baseball Association and Greenberg's The Celebrant), but also functioned as blatant shilling for several SI contributors. DeFord, Feinstein, Plimpton and Telander among the all time top 25? No. We've read them and we're here to tell you, no. The glaring omissions from SI's list included Brendan Boyd's Blue Ruin, DeLillo's Pafko At The Wall, and Hemingway's Death In The Afternoon and The Old Man and the Sea. Nothing we've read distills the essence of competition as efficiently as Old Man: "Fish, I'll stay with you until I am dead." We think that was Santiago...or maybe it was Barney Miller. Always get those two confused.

Sandy Koufax
The Hall of Famer refused to participate in Dodger spring training because the team is owned by News Corp., which owns the New York Post, because the Post ran a gossip item in December suggesting Koufax was gay. According to Outsports.com, he is not. (Great website, by the way. Best lead we've ever read in a sports feature, hands down: "Each year I say I'm going to check out Chicago's gay rodeo and each year something comes up.")

Apparently Koufax lives with a woman he met on an island. Excuse us for thinking you might be gay, Sandy---you're only an unmarried old man with a deep tan and perfect hair. Whatever made us think gay?

Koufax' over-the-top reaction to a since-retracted piece of tabloid gossip illustrates, once again, that the worst thing an athlete can be called is homosexual. Think Sandy would've boycotted Dodger camp if the Post had reported he had several bodies buried in his basement? No, not as long as there was nuthin' queer about it. As Outsports.com writes, "(Koufax) has now made it a national story, and people everywhere are hearing 'Sandy Koufax and gay' in the same sentence."

Good.

Brian Kontak
Listen, we don't enjoy writing about golf any more than you enjoy reading about it. But this is the stooge who wants to play in the Women's U.S. Open, offended that Annika Sorentam gets to compete in a PGA event. Only a golf pro would consider this a double standard, of course. Never mind that the LPGA has specific rules about gender and the PGA doesn't (they just want great golfers, and Kontak has repeatedly failed to qualify), didn't the Brady Bunch settle this issue with the whole Marcia-Peter-Sunflower-Girls conflict? Know your history, people.

Howard Schultz
A Seattle friend emailed on Saturday: "trading gary fucking payton. unfucking believeable. it was so weird watching that game (friday). the sonics were actually booed by their own fans. completely surreal. howard schultz is the most hated man in seattle. no double-tall lattes for yours truly...."

It should be noted that Milwaukee also got a whole lot better at Seattle's expense. Before GP, they were struggling to hold onto the 8th seed in the playoffs; expect them to take the 4th seed from Boston and to beat some people in the playoffs. No double-tall lattes, indeed. Make that a half-pint of your favorite screw-top beverage, Seattle, and please enjoy Kevin Ollie.

Big Foam Finger