| Former NBA center Bison Dele and his girlfriend, Serena Karlan, are lost at sea. Not "lost" in the metaphorical ex-athlete way that led Jayson Williams to shoot people or Nate Newton to drive around with his own weight in weed in the trunk. No, Bison Dele is lost at sea in the "Oh, shit, where'd we park the boat?" way. He was last seen in July traveling in the Pacific, and his catamaran was found last week in a Tahitian dockyard with no one on board.
In a mournful ESPN.com tribute to Dele, veteran NBA columnist Sam Smith shared tender, wistful reflections on Bison's unmatched generosity and free spirit, writing, "Everyone has a favorite Bison Dele story. He is one of those guys you have favorite stories about. There are not too many people like that." Um...wanna hear our favorite Bison Dele story? He's missing in the freakin' Pacific Ocean.
 Can we please just savor this news for a little while before every NBA hack descends to eulogize Dele? The surest recipe for bad writing is to give a sportswriter a dead athlete to kick around, and it's not yet necessary---the big fella is only missing. Sure, the FBI wants to talk to his brother, who allegedly has been posing as Bison and spending his dough across North America. That seems fishy.
Still, this is not a time for weepy lamentation; this is a time for wild, unfounded speculation. Dele could be anywhere, doing anything, and we'd like to consider the possibilities. In the process, we might even provide a glimmer of hope to members of Bison's family not directly responsible for his disappearance.
"Bison Lives" Scenario No. 1---After faking his demise, Dele, who changed his name from Brian Williams years ago to avoid confusion with the bland NBC news anchor, has again altered his identity. He and his girlfriend live as gods on an uncharted Pacific island where terrified indigenous Polynesians fan them with palm fronds and stage elaborate rituals to appease them. His frightened subjects, forbidden to look directly upon him, know Dele by many names, including "Bisonickiackahila the Terrible," "Delekrakatoamoa the Horrible" and "Bill Walton."
"Bison Lives" Scenario No. 2---Set adrift by his conniving brother, Dele and girlfriend wash ashore on a barren, near-lifeless island. Isolation and gnawing hunger reduce the pair to their basest animal instincts, and things eventually take a turn darker than Lord of the Flies. "Pass the conch, Honey." She won't. He eats her. Bison then sustains himself on kelp and insects, waiting for Survivor to return to the Pacific so that he can wrap his gums around a tasty Jeff Probst.
"Bison Lives" Scenario No. 3---Set adrift by his conniving brother, Dele and girlfriend wash ashore on a lush yet unpopulated island. They recover enough of their drenched belongings to live the island-chic life of a seven-foot Thurston Howell III. The pair spend perfect days gulping hallucinogenic tree sap from coconut shells, weaving exotic island flowers into their hair, and spooning melon cubes into one another's mugs. "Pass us another kiwi, Lovey."
Big Foam Finger
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