| Itís four oíclock Sunday morning at HoleCity world headquarters. The weeklong bash celebrating our fifth anniversary is mercifully at an end. A sleepless rampage of Caligulan debauchery and lust, the event was strictly A-List. That means not you, loser. It was fabulous to see Dee Snyder again. The last of the leggy supermodels was just carried away, and the booze and cough syrup are all gone. The only sound is a headachy Gadgetgirl slumped over the copier, still challenging anyone to wrestle. Outside, the scene is like the Hart Office Building in October: Hazmat teams with sirens, smoke billowing, caution tape, curious onlookers. The good time is gone, and weíre vaguely aware of looming responsibility. Fucking-hell-bullshit-columns-to-write. Ugh.
SportsHole staffers are confronted with this awful fact: the biggest story in the sports world last week was a goddamn dead horse. Rest in peace and all that, Seattle Slew. Nice horsey. We hope he wins an ESPY for Dead Horse of the Year. But this is not ObitHole. And it really isnít HorseObitHole. No column fodder there. We could share a fantastic story from the anniversary blowout involving several employees and a mostly live horse, but some secrets stay within the family.
Luckily, the league that never disappoints came through for us. Weíre talking the N Fíing L, mister. There's no greater display of everything thatís magnificent about sport in America and everything thatís wrong with culture in America. Itís on your TV half the Sundays of the year. When the cameras are off and youíre not watching, these fellas really start to entertain. Itís our duty and our pleasure to itemize a few choice NFL notes from the off-season:
* The Oakland Raiders are suing the City of Oakland for $1.1 billion because their games havenít sold out. The trial has suffered a series of delays, but this will be a stone-cold must-watch saga when itís finally broadcast. A ballsy gesture no doubt masterminded by the NFLís irrepressible revolutionary madman, Al Davis. If youíre going to be a bad guy, be a badass bad guy. Well done, Albie.
* Pro Bowl wide receiver David Boston of the Arizona Cardinals was arrested in Phoenix for driving recklessly, and allegedly under the influence of various substances. Hereís an important lesson for young receivers, and one that David apparently missed: driving recklessly is a really bad idea when youíre traveling with a loaf of cocaine. The good news for fantasy football geeks, and for coke dealers in any NFC West city, is that prosecutors will not pursue felony possession charges.
* Pro Bowl wide receiver Terrell Owens of the San Francisco 49ers is playing basketball for the Adirondack Wildcats of the USBL. We intend no disrespect toward the only successful basketball minor league in existence. World B. Free, our all time favorite shooting guard, toiled in the USBL. So did Anthony Mason, Michael Adams, Manute Bol and Spud Webb. The league has featured some beautiful basketball during its 18-year history, although Terrell isnít playing any of it. Still, we admire the inane, reckless decision to risk football millions for basketball hundreds.
* Pro Bowl quarterback Brian Griese of the Denver Broncos fell and knocked himself unconscious on Terrell Davisí driveway. Thatís a very nice sentence, and weíve chosen to avoid further details or embellishment. Sometimes itís best to allow a moment of unique stupidity to exist on its own merit.
Big Foam Finger