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  Universe
March 18 - 24, 2002

 
Ice Age Should
Have More
Scrat

 
Andy Sans
Conan Is Still
Funny

 
A Boxing
Travesty With Don
King Nowhere In
Sight

 
Likes and
Dislikes for the
Sweet Sixteen

 
Five Built
Bodies

 



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Tourney Overdose
Have you, America, enjoyed your four full days of Tourney Bliss? Now comes the hardest thing to deal with in the basketball universe: the three empty days in-between. We suggest you take advantage of the time to tell your boss what you really think of him. After all, that might get you more tube freedom for next Thursday and Friday.

If you followed the advice of our vaunted Tubemaster, you were already on to Southern Illinois and Kent State, and their two upsets apiece. You'd even have predicted great first-round upsets like Wyoming, Creighton, Tulsa and Mizzou. Sadly, Tubemaster didn't heed enough of his own advice, and now stands to finish in the 8th percentile among all tournament pickers. Hey, the Zags will bring down even the best of us.

Of the Sweet 16, here is whom we like and don't like, especially for the next round.

#1 Seeds:
Like---Duke. Notre Dame threw a real scare into the Dukie Darlings. However, now the players should be scared, and Coach K has nearly a century to prepare for Indiana. Don't bet the farm on the Hoosiers.

Sort of Like---Kansas. They had a scare with Holy Cross in the first round, but didn't have to break a sweat against Stanford. Has any team underachieved more than Stanford? What a bunch of toilet clogs. Sadly, history shows that if you give Roy Williams a century to prepare for an opponent and the other team's coach looks like a genius.

Don't Like---Maryland. They haven't had their scare yet. Bad time to get one with Kentucky looming. We never thought we'd fear Kentucky's karma, but the planets are lining up.

Bracket Busters:
Like---Kent State. Pittsburgh complains that they don't get enough respect. We agree. Kent State will advance. For gosh sakes, they play Pittsburgh.

Like---UCLA. Coach Steve Lavin is a vampire. No matter how crappy a season he and his team delivers, UCLA always makes it the Sweet 16, saving his job for another season. We like Missouri and all, but we just saw Lavin drinking Unicorn Blood.

Sort of Like---Texas. We really don't like them that much, but they get Oregon, who required a fortuitous injury to get past Wake Forest. When three players score all your points and one doesn't show up, what happens? Oregon loses to Texas, that's what.

Don't Like---Southern Illinois. Connecticut, along with the rest of the country, has seen, and will prepare for the Salukis (translation: dog, originally from Egypt, that has found its way to Bumblefuck, Illinois). Connecticut will win, going away.

As for the other remaining #2 and #3 seeds? Well, there's only one game remaining. We like Arizona. We like Oklahoma. Our initial bracket was pretty good, but this looks like a pick'em. We can't tell you everything. Our fabulous powers of prognostication only go so far.

So all that's left for you to do is kick back, bore yourself silly waiting for Thursday to arrive, and wish you didn't really say those things to your boss.

Banico Roberts


 


So this week's Weakly Blurb goes rambling on about how basketball sucks, and yet here's the SportsHole obsessively talking about the tournament. How on earth can it be explained?


It cannot be explained. I am completely convinced by the fact that all HoleCity writers use "we" and assume that every person involved has identical opinions. Accordingly, I will cover my ears and chant "Nah nah nah" to prevent myself from observing the discontinuity.

The Blurb writer sucks. Hey, I'm reading the SportsHole. I like basketball. Duh.


Last Week's Poll:
Do you think you can out-pick our dim-witted Tubemaster?

No. (30%) Just listen to how he rattles off all those possible upsets! It's almost as if he's copying stuff verbatim from another Web site!

Yes. (69%) Hey, I got a pulse, don't I?