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April 29 - May 5, 2002

 
Jason Returns.
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News Capsules: Take Two Before Bedtime

Dr. Craig Venter

No, Venter isn't that idiot with the two-wheeled, people-moving, 'IT' thing. He's the former Prez of Celera Genomics, the company that finished mapping the human genome a couple years ago. This week, Venter revealed that his own genome was used for the map. All sorts of problems arise from this.

First of all, look at the guy. Are you sure he's from the same species as you and I? Second, if he's weird enough to include his own genetic structure in this multi-billion-dollar experiment, you think he's not above tweaking the resulting map, so that all the clones and stuff we'll make based on Celera's research will wind up hairless and goofy? Sure: "One day, I will be the most attractive man on Earth! Hahahahaha!"

Vatican City---Following several days of unprecedented, high-level meetings this week in Rome, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has issued new guidelines regarding standards of sexual conduct for priests. A special committee of the Conference released the following statement, indicating that it was to be considered tentative:

"The Catholic Church will absolutely no longer tolerate notorious priests who have a history of repeatedly raping and sodomizing young boys and girls without using a condom. Let it be known to the faithful that from this day forward, all raping and sodomizing priests will be required to offer the child his or her choice of a 'Holy Condom.' These will be specially formed by Catholic lay workers to resemble popular saints. We understand Saint Francis of Assisi is already a big hit with the kiddies. You know how they love animals."

Crawford, TX---President Bush met with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah this week at the President's ranch in Crawford, Texas. The Crown Prince heatedly insisted that the U.S. must rein in Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon or risk sending the Middle East and U.S. interests there "over a cliff."

Mr. Bush, already upset by his last-minute realization that he would be meeting the crown prince, and not 'Fresh Prince' Will Smith, responded angrily, "Oh yeah? You wanna see 'over a cliff'? OK, dishtowel, I got one for ya: How 'bout you stop your psycho fuckwads from coming over here and killing Americans, and I'll try not to accidentally drop a couple dozen thermo-nukes on that stinking cat shitbox you call a country. You think you can handle that one, pipeline? Don't make me go solar on your ass."

Edfurt, Germany---In the central German town of Erfurt, a disgruntled teenager went on a bloody shooting spree Friday, killing 16 people before ending his own life with a bullet to the head. "I can't believe it," said Gunther Katzehund, an Erfurt resident. "This kind of thing happens in America, sure, but not here in Germany. We Germans are not a violent people." When pressed by skeptical American, French and British journalists to expand on this, Katzehund replied, "I mean, can anyone think of another time when a German citizen slaughtered countless innocents before shooting himself in the head in a small, enclosed room?"

Laughlin, NV---In national news, a motorcycle convention in Laughlin, Nevada, turned deadly on Saturday when fighting broke out between two rival, outlaw gangs. "I can't believe it," said local resident Enid Snuffbuckle, 82. "I mean, what's the world coming to when two rival, outlaw biker gangs comprised of violent, drug-dealing, liquored-up, gun-and-knife-wielding scumbags can't get along without fighting? You'd think after September 11, people would just come together as Americans. I guess it takes all kinds."

Max Ataxia