April 8 - 14, 2002

Denise Austin
Works Out...

Jay Mohr

NHL's Second

Five Corporate

Destroys Earth...



Pot Is Bad For You...

Branch Davidian Sells Chihuahuas...

The Russians Are Conspired Against...

Foreigners Win Stuff At Olympics...

Latest Interactive Game Wows Youths...

Giant Asteroid To Destroy Earth

EARTH, March 12, 2880

Too. Many. Babies.

Can the barrage of free diapers and gifts from Katie Couric be far behind? How long until Newsweek airbrushes the mom's teeth? The best part is that the town of Rago, KN, used to have a population of 12. Now it's 18.

Earth will be destroyed this week by the asteroid "1950 DA" after it slams into our planet with cataclysmic force. The asteroid, which was identified by astronomers nearly 800 years ago as a potential threat, could have been diverted from its collision course, say experts, save for centuries of governmental incompetence, wastefulness and sheer bureaucratic inertia.

A brief timeline:

April, 2002: Discovery of potential planet-killing asteroid "1950 DA." Global leaders declare problem "too remote, too expensive" to address immediately, citing current budgetary woes and likely future improvements in technological asteroid defense capabilities.

March 16, 2180: Scientists remind world leaders that although the potential asteroid impact is still 700 years off, serious defensive measures ought to be taken. Government leaders respond with calls for further study, but also deep cuts in science budgets worldwide.

March 16, 2380: Scientists again mark the "pre-anniversary" with a reminder to representatives of the United Federation of AmeriEuroNippo'Stralia that the Earth is now 500 years from impact. A select UFAENS commission issues a statement expressing "serious concern" and calling for "creative solutions" including a worldwide fifth-grade essay contest on the topic: "How I Would Stop the Asteroid."

March 16, 2680: Scientists from around the world protest outside the headquarters of NorthAmeriMarsNet, the giant interplanetary government-owned conglomerate that controls 94 percent of the known reserves of air, water, food and energy, insisting that urgent action be taken to prevent the almost-certain destruction of all living things in just 200 years. NAMN responds with deep cuts in scientists' funding, and in scientists.

March 15, 2780: Anticipating more protests, USEarthInc leaders order all scientists to be torn limb from limb by giant mutant lizards on live, closed-circuit television. The event breaks all previous pay-per-view records, including 2304's "Re-Blackification of Michael Jackson Clone #37" and last year's "When Uranus Wranglers Go Berserk IV."

March 16, 2830: With the asteroid impact just 50 years off, executives of GloboFuckYouCorp announce the relocation of their headquarters to Mars. A memo left behind indicates that further study of the asteroid problem will resume "once the new Martian facility is up and running."

November 23, 2879: A delegation of scientists and technical advisors from the distant planet Glorgblarb arrives on Earth, declaring that "we come in peace with a message of hope and good news: a solution to your impending destruction by asteroid." Unfortunately, the Glorgblarbians' message of hope and good news is delivered to a snarling Rottweiler, who mauls and devours the tiny spacemen at once.

March 9, 2880: Senior executives of GloboFuckYouInterGalactiCorp announce that, due to a year of record profits, they are considering saving the Earth using advanced Mars-based anti-asteroid lasers, provided the peoples of Earth sign over all remaining resources to the company.

March 10, 2880: GFUIGC declares bankruptcy, stating in a press release that the supposed windfall was in fact squandered on a single executive "fact-finding" mission to Vaginaboozesuperbowlus, the Saturnian moon, and on the settlement of subsequent lawsuits.

March 11, 2880: Hell freezes over. Israeli and Palestinian leaders declare peace. Everyone on Earth gets a good night's sleep. Jesus reappears, asks, "So, what'd I miss?"

Max Ataxia