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March 11 - 17, 2002

 
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Researcher Dudes Freak About Pot

Long Beach, CA
Letterman Love-In

We'll take Dave over that fool Leno any time, but frankly we're not sure why anyone would pay $31.5 million a year for Stupid Pet Tricks.

Yet that's CBS's current offer to the Gap-Toothed One to stay Tiffany, rather than defect to ABC and replace Ted Koppel. Legion were the stories this week about how Koppel and ABC News President David Westin were thoroughly insulted that Disney was pursuing Dave.

Sure, Nightline is hopelessly dated (it started as a response to the hostages in Iran), but is it any less dated than Letterman's stale awkwardness, or Leno's frickin' headlines? And when you have to choose from between, say, $20 million or $30.5 million a year, shouldn't you pretty much just dump it all and join a monastery?

Dude! We were surfing the web, looking for the NORML website, when we stumbled on some most heinous news. It seems some scientist folks at the University of New South Wales did a study and they found out that pot, like, totally messes up your memory and attention, and like also can make you all logy and unable to concentrate.

The news was greeted by us here at HoleCity with an epic sense of bummeration. We didn't really read the whole article, since it was kind of boring and looked pretty long. Scooby Doo was coming on, and we had some Ore-Ida Tater Tots burning in the toaster oven. They have these new ones now, they're all Bar-B-Q flavored and extra crispy on the outside, but still all nice and chewy on the inside.

So we came back from the kitchen with the Tater Tots and some kind of ghost or monster or something was chasing Scooby and Shaggy, only it turned out it was just some criminal dude in a ghost suit trying to scare them away from some gold he had hidden in an old house. We were thinking about why anyone would steal gold if it's so heavy and hard to hide. That's when we had a little household crisis when our golden retriever named Tennessee Jed knocked over The Bonginator with his tail and got bongwater all over the carpet. You wouldn't believe how gnarly it smells! The landlord's gonna freak if he ever finds out, which he hopefully never will if Gonzo comes through with that Carpet Fresh from his office-cleaning gig.

The smart chick figured it all out, as usual, although she had help from the big blonde guy and the other chick, the hot redhead. We were sitting around getting baked when all of a sudden Jimmy goes, "I wonder if she's a natural redhead, if you know what I mean." It makes you wonder. Sure, she's a cartoon character and all, but she's still a babe. They should make a cartoon porno movie with her in it, that'd be awesome. Or maybe a porn puppet show. The smart chick could be in it too. She wouldn't be bad if she lost a few pounds and got rid of those glasses.

Jimmy's friend Skeezer says they had an episode of Scooby once where they cleaned the smart chick up a little. Skeezer says it was like that time on Gilligan's Island when Gilligan ate too much coconut custard pie and had a mixed-up dream where Ginger was Mary Ann and Mary Ann was Ginger.

But like we were saying earlier, this whole thing about pot. The New South Wales research dudes say it's bad for you or something? We think that's totally bogus. Somebody even said it's a conspiracy by the government to get people to straighten up and join the Army. Maybe that's just paranoid, but this other guy we know, Biker John, he was saying---oh shit! The landlord! Gotta go, dude.

Max Ataxia