March 4 - 10, 2002

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Stan’s Mom Has Scurvy, and Other Stories about Stan’s Mom

Somewhere In A Bunker, TX

So you cheese-eaters finally decided (barely) to end a million years of "neutrality" and join the United Nations. Yipee-Kay-Aye.

We suppose the news, in and of itself, is positive. In the world community, now only the Vatican respectfully abstains from international responsibility. And heck, we're not sitting here singing the praises of the U.N. as the most effective governing body ever.

The scariest part is that 11 of 23 cantons (or states) in Switzerland, voted against joining. Evidently, many of these people are too busy counting Nazi-absconded gold to show at the meetings.

In news just as impactful, fat actor Wayne Knight announced he was giving up his political stance, and joining the Screen Actor's Guild.

Breaking with our traditional news items, we bring you the following true chronicle from The Vicar, which, while sustaining far more veracity than our normal NewsHoles, is no less heebie-jeebie-inducing.

When we were in college, we knew this guy named Stan. Stan was very interesting in his own right---as a poet, a writer, a scholar, and a Canadian. But perhaps the most interesting thing about Stan was Stan's Mom.

We and Stan attended college in Waco, Texas, at the time of the Branch Davidian standoff outside of town. Stan's friends were very curious about Stan's Mom because everyone had heard something, somewhere about her being a Branch Davidian. Because Stan was reluctant to talk about his mom and the Davidians, people were more than ready to fill in the gaps with a combination of facts, rumors, speculation, and knock-knock jokes. Here's what we have heard about Stan's Mom.

Stan's Mom was married to the leader of the Branch Davidians prior to David Koresh. Stan's Mom divorced Stan's Dad when Stan was a youngster, and then Stan's Dad moved to Hong Kong. Stan's Mom then married a religious cult leader, and they lived on a commune the east of Waco, Texas. Stan's Mom's Husband then had a disagreement with one of the cult members, one David Koresh, which led to a old-fashioned shoot-out. Neither man was killed. When arrests were made, David Koresh claimed self-defense, and Stan's Mom's Husband ended up in a state psychiatric hospital/prison. After all, he did have Tourette's and other psychological issues. He escaped sometime in the mid-Nineties, but was apprehended at a New York airport trying to board a plane to the Holy Land. After Stan's Mom's Husband's arrest, Stan's Mom left the cult, and then the cult moved to a compound on the other side of Waco. The cult began stockpiling guns and getting rather militant.

Stan's Mom breeds Chihuahuas to sell to Asian restaurants in central Texas. A former professor of ours, Bob, was working on a book about the Branch Davidians with a fellow reporter. Bob wanted to interview Stan's Mom about the early days of the cult and went to her home, a shack near what was then the Mount Carmel compound where the standoff with the ATF and consequent fire was about to take place. When Bob knocked on the door, there was no answer, so he went around back where there was a little dirt yard enclosed by a chain-link fence. From around the back corner of the house came a swarm---a yapping swarm---of tiny legs and ears and tails: a giant Chihuahua amoeba. There must have been fifty Chihuahuas all barking and lunging at Bob, who was grateful for the chain-link fence. When Bob asked his writing partner about these little angry dogs, the other reporter told Bob that Stan's Mom illegally sells the Chihuahuas to Korean and Vietnamese restaurants in central Texas. (Yes, there are Korean and Vietnamese restaurants in central Texas.)

Stan's Mom was arrested for firing a shotgun in the air when some nosy reporters (not Bob) were poking around the remains of the Mount Carmel compound. Stan's Mom led/is leading a legal battle to give the land where the remains of the Mount Carmel Compound stands back to the early Branch Davidians. In the months following the fire, curious reporters visited the site when they were not welcome. Once, Stan's Mom fired her shotgun in the air to scare off the more persistent journalists. She didn't go to jail, but she had to appear in court. She walked to Waco from her shack many miles away (she did not have a car) and stopped at Stan's apartment.

(There was something about this in one of the big news magazines. Stan tore the page out and showed it to all of his friends. The article included a photo of his mom holding a sign that said her name and her version of the story so she could avoid being misrepresented by the media. We don't think the sign worked.)

Stan's Mom had scurvy. When she came into town and stopped by Stan's apartment before her court appearance, Stan's Roommate offered to make her something for dinner, as Stan was not home. Stan's Mom replied that she brought something of her own, so no thanks. Then she pulled a raw potato out of her purse, which she proceeded to boil and eat in Stan's kitchen while Stan's Roommate watched "Saved by the Bell." Stan's Roommate noticed Stan's Mom was missing several teeth and was quite thin. Stan's Roommate assumed that because she was quite poor and she considered a single boiled potato a meal, she could have been malnourished. He attributed the tooth loss to scurvy.

(It is important to note that at that time, Stan's Roommate was going through a Pirate Phase.)

And finally, a Knock-Knock Joke about Stan's Mom by my friend Patrick, who also knew Stan.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
1,000 Chihuahuas.
1,000 Chihuahuas who?
Sorry, during the time it took to tell this joke, they've all been sold to the Vietnamese Black Market.

The Vicar