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North American Leaders Acknowledge Russia Conspiracy

Salt Lake City, UT
Whinin' Wayne Gretzky

He used to be a throwback, but now he's just a 21st century boy. As General Manager of the Canadian Olympic hockey team, Gretzky tarnished his image immeasurably, launching a tirade against the world, about how disrespected his poor team was during the Games, how everyone in America was rooting against them, how European players aren't penalized for chippy play, and on and on.

We always thought Wayne was one of the good guys: able to rise above the stupid "Nobody Respects Us!" motivational ploys that litter the sports world. We were wrong. Mr. Canada is just another lunkhead in skates who whines like a ten-year-old when things aren't going his way. Team Canada performed fabulously at these Games, Wayne. Hope it was worth it.

U.S. President George W. Bush, Canada Prime Minister Jean Chretien and Mexico President Vicente Fox convened an impromptu summit here as the Winter Olympics closed, to confirm that there is, in fact, a North American conspiracy against Russia. "Frankly, I'm just a little surprised that it took the Russians this long to figure it out," said Mr. Bush. "Then again, they are a pretty fucking stupid nation."

Since the International Olympic Committee forced a resolution to a pairs skating controversy---and thus awarded joint gold medals to Canadians Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, and Russians Yelena Berezhnaya and Anton Sukharulidze---Russian officials, coaches and even president Vladimir Putin have attacked the IOC. Russia threatened to leave the Games before this weekend's Closing Ceremonies, and even Russian hockey coach Slava Fetisov, who made millions after defecting to America in the 1990s, claimed after his team's semifinal loss to the U.S., "An agreement's been signed that is designed to have a final between Canada and the USA."

"Well," said Mr. Chretien yesterday, "they're right. The only thing we regret is that the stupid French judge (Marie-Reine Le Gougne) didn't get the memo. I have no regrets about what we accomplished during these Olympics. We have attempted to reward the right people. Besides, who the hell can even pronounce 'Sukharulidze'?"

"My Canadian colleague only scratches the surface," said Mr. Fox, whose presence at this press event was considered a surprise by many, since Mexico wouldn't know a bobsled from its collective rump. "The fact of the matter is that the Russians are a smelly people. They are gluttons, and wash with terrible infrequency. And their teeth? My country shares many of Russia's economic difficulties, but do you see us walking around with teeth like that? My God, they all look like Mr. Ed. It's called fluoride, people."

"The whole conspiracy was pretty much Bill Gates' idea," said Mr. Bush. "I was taking a tour of a few new alien spacecraft we captured last month, and Gates gave me a ringy-ding-ding on the ol' Secret Cabal phone. He believed if we demoralized Russia enough, they would give up their stubborn adherence to Macintosh computers, and become a terrific new market for Windows XP."

However, the plan appears to have created an opposite reaction.

"We believed such revelations would break their spirit," said Mr. Chretien. "We badly miscalculated."

Indeed, the end of these Olympic Games saw the Russians doggedly sticking together against the international community. In the women's ice skating competition, they even (unsuccessfully) petitioned to have the Russian skater, Irina Slutskaya, awarded a second gold medal, a powerful and ironic gesture not lost on the American President.

"I have to admit," Mr. Bush said, "we didn't see that one coming. They're pretty clever in a way. And stubborn as the dickens."

Asked what comes next, since Russia had done such an exceptional job of sniffing out the conspiracy, the North American leaders remained resolute. "Fortunately, the Olympics are over, so we can get back to more subtle means," said Mr. Fox. "You may notice, for example, most waiters, when they ask what type of dressing you want, wait to say 'Russian dressing' until the very end of the list. Many restaurant patrons never get to the end of the list, because they hear something they like earlier on."

The three heads of state joined hands in a show of unity. "You see?" said Mr. Bush. "We're getting there."

Tubemaster