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July 23 - 29, 2001

 
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Jerry Rice Is
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Bush, Daschle
Clash; Insults
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White House Source: Bush "Rubber," Daschle "Glue"

Washington, D.C.
Gary Condit

Let's make it clear: It sucks that Chandra Levy is missing. She seems like a decent person.

That said, in what universe is Gary Condit having sex with so many different women? There's Levy, that flight attendant, this new "woman in California" whose watch box he apparently tried to ditch and, presumably, his wife (though, we'll wager, she'll be off that list pretty soon).

Yeah, we know, power is sexy blah blah blah. But c'mon---despite Levy's supposed comparisons of him to Harrison Ford, the guy's closer to a young Jack Klugman in midlife-crisis mode (motorcycle, styled hair). But man, it works for him, doesn't it?

Say, how old do you have to be to run for Congress?

The war of words between Republican President George W. Bush and Democratic Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle escalated further this week as Bush reportedly declared himself rubber and Daschle, glue. According to high-level sources within the Bush Administration, the effect of this declaration was to cause anything negative stated by the Senator to "bounce off" Bush and actually become affixed to Daschle.

The Bush/Daschle dispute began last week, when Daschle responded to Bush's rejection of policies considered important to most of Europe by describing the Bush Administration's foreign policy as "isolationist." Daschle was referring to Bush's decisions to abandon the Kyoto Treaty and to pursue a missile defense system despite its direct contravention of treaties previously adopted by the United States.

Bush responded to Daschle, stating that he was "plenty capable" of handling foreign policy. During a radio address, Mr. Bush told the American public to "...ask Mr. Fancy Missile Boy if he can list the five highest-volume cocaine-producing countries in South America, in order of quality. I can do that!" At this point, the President issued his rubber-glue gambit.

When Daschle was advised of Bush's verbal tactics, he chuckled. When asked by reporters about the source of his amusement, Daschle responded: "Mr. Bush doesn't know what I know. You see, I already coated myself in an anti-glue rubber. Even better, I'm also covered in suction cups. So whatever President Bush says just bounces right back at him---but this time with a suction cup attached. And these particular suction cups always stick, even to rubber."

The Bush camp immediately responded with a damage-control press release that consisted of the phrase, "Does not! Does not!" repeated several dozen times. Hours later, after intense consultation at the highest levels in the Administration, Ari Fleischer, the president's spokesman, revised these initial comments.

"President Bush is proud to be the leader of such a great land, where intense debate of this nature can flourish in a free, democratic society. Apparently Senator Daschle now claims he has the ability to rebound all insults, and attach to them suction cups that ensure stickiness. In response, President Bush responds that, in addition to being rubber, he also has generated a field of cooties around his perimeter. Under the advanced cootie technology, President Bush himself is immune, but any insults flung at him are instantly and automatically attacked by the cooties and become a cootie-carrying Death Star. This technology, developed by the CIA under the elder George Bush's leadership, has previously been unknown to anyone, including Senator Daschle."

At press time, Daschle was unavailable for rebuttal, but was seen in his office scrubbing himself vigorously, yelling, "Get them off! Get them off!"

Torgo