|Do you remember the old Loony Toons cartoons? Remember how outside the forest or laboratory or dynamite shed or haunted house several large, possibly neon signs would warn "Danger!" "Keep Out!" "This Means You!"? Of course, Bugs or Porky Pig or whoever would walk blithely past ("Ooh! This looks like a good place to spend the night!"), and at home, you would die laughing because they were just so darn stupid.
Call us "Bugs."
Okay. The first sign ("Danger!") we should not have spent our hard earned cash on 3000 Miles to Graceland was, of course, the presence of Kevin Costner as a psychotic, criminal mastermind/Elvis Impersonator.
See. You're already laughing at us, aren't you?
Sign number two ("Keep Out!") was the fact that our fellow moviegoers, despite the fact that we were attending a 1:00 p.m. showing on a school day, were all adolescent males between the ages of 14 and 17. That and the fact that the previews were either Steven Segal films or movies featuring farting noises and large breasts should have clued us in that we were not this film's target audience.
Sign number three ("This Means You!") were the opening credits, which include an animated death match between two highly stylized scorpions, the type you might find on, say, a Pantera CD cover. Ahem.
But, being stupid, we stayed. We were there for Kurt Russell and, dang it, the plot sounded good. A group of criminals, dressed up as Elvis, rob a casino during an Elvis Impersonator convention, brilliantly ensuring themselves a bit of anonymity. Which would've been cool, except the scene in the casino took about two minutes, just long enough for us to witness Costner and company kill roughly 50 security guards, who, despite working for minimum wage, nobly continue to fire their little pistols at the semi-automatic toting Elvi, sacrificing themselves for the good of the casino.
In actuality, the entire casino scene was played merely to set the tone for the rest of the movie, which endeavors to compare Costner and his zealous bloodletting with Russell, who, in an homage to the sanctity of life, does not machine gun anyone, choosing instead to shower the guards with millions of shards of glass... which is soooo much nicer, don't you think?
Thus the conflict in 3000 Miles To Graceland becomes, well, Bad versus Evil. After the rest of the gang is fortuitously dispatched, Bad hits the road, and Evil follows. Given Costner's past as the all-around good guy, his character couldn't be just bad, he had to be the coldest sociopath to ever brandish a gun. Hence this flick's impossibly high body count.
(Danger. Keep Out. This Means You.)
Given the cast (Courtney Cox, hubby David Arquette and Christian Slater among others) it seems a shame not to mention their performances. However that would run counter to our goal of putting the whole sordid affair behind us. As it stands, it took a double non-fat mall-court yogurt cone and the frivolous purchase of a pair of Charlie's-Angels-inspired aviator-style sunglasses to salvage what was left of our afternoon.
So let's just say, "Elvis has left the building!" And not a moment too soon.