 If cultural anthropologists of the future want to document the moment American Idol finally loosened its grasp on the American pop-culture consumer, they'll probably point to the release of From Justin To Kelly. Of course, we can't guarantee that FJ2K will repulse all the AI fans out there, because we can't guarantee that many fans will actually see it. The only reason we're sure it'll recoup its production costs is because it was obviously made for about $758.
We can't imagine Fox paid AI winner and runner-up Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini anything to appear in the movie (hell, "will gladly appear in awful movie for free" was probably somewhere in their initial waiver for the show). Since none of the actors in the film are remotely recognizable, it's safe to assume that recruitment for the entire project was accomplished with "earn your SAG card!" alone. And as even the most casual observer can quickly tell, no funds were wasted on things like second drafts or even second takes.
In our struggle to classify FJ2K, we ran through many genres. Theoretically, it's a romantic comedy. But calling FJ2K a romantic comedy is like calling ketchup a vegetable. For instance, the moment of meeting is a key point in most romances, but in this case, the two leads don't really seem to meet. A dance melee breaks out on the beach, and suddenly Justin is crooning to Kelly about how he likes her style as they do a particularly uncomfortable-looking lambada lite. Confusion erupted in our viewing section: Wait, did they know each other already? Why were they in a mutual crotch-grind otherwise? Dear lord, what are those dancers doing with the beach towels?
Another possible genre for FJ2K is science fiction. Since text messaging is crucial to the plot, and sci-fi is all about how technology affects our most human interactions, a case could be made. Yes, that's right, the plot revolves around text messages: Kelly's evil ho friend gives Justin her number instead of Kelly's, resulting in the necessary obstacle between these two crazy kids. Unfortunately, they do get together often enough to belt out several horrid power ballads; our favorite was "Timeless," where they sing about finally being in each other's arms---as they sit several feet apart, not even looking at each other.
It's almost a shame they weren't looking at each other just then, because that scene probably featured the least abhorrent costumes of the entire movie. Kelly in particular is subjected to outfits that violate every rule of aesthetics; at one point, she actually sports a skirt made of ties. (It's during her big gonna-get-wild-and-funky dance scene, so she has to look all mean and dangerous. In a skirt made of ties.) Other costumes seem determined to recall the various fashion missteps of the 80s: the off-the-shoulder tank dress, the combination of several neon colors in the same outfit, the unrelenting presence of fuchsia. The movie also includes a breakdancing scene and the inexplicable sight of Justin doing the human beat box.
But ultimately, FJ2K's most accurate film category is porn. For just as porn consists of painfully hackneyed segues in order to get to the next sex scene, FJ2K consists of sad little set-ups for the songs and dance numbers, none of which seem to have any relation to the script. What's really funny is that the choreography for the dances is extremely sexual---and one of the songs is a soulless remake of "That's The Way (I Like It)," which is itself a transcript of sex---yet no characters do anything remotely carnal when they're not dancing.
A porno without the sex: we can't think of a worse condemnation, or a better description of From Justin To Kelly.
Gadgetgirl
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