 Despite the many follies of our college years, we somehow managed to miss out on the item labeled "Do Disney World On Acid." However, some friends of ours did, and they came back with lots of inane stories ("...and then I realized, it is a small world after all, you know?") and one emphatic bit of advice: No matter what, stay away from the Country Bears Jamboree. Would that we'd remembered this warning before entering the theater for The Country Bears, rather than realizing their wisdom afterwards.
In case you're wondering, The Country Bears is, in fact, based on the same Animatronic installment that so terrified our tripping friends. Disney's getting awfully close to the bottom of the barrel to be so desperate as to rip off a now-defunct attraction (not even a ride, fer chrissakes). What were they thinking? "Well, nobody wants to sit and watch the Country Bears in an amusement park for free, so of course they'll pay to watch a movie about 'em!"
The sad thing is, people will probably pay to watch The Country Bears, figuring it for a harmless kids' movie. However, many of the kids in the audience with us were noticeably unnerved by the lifelike nature of the title characters (particularly around the teeth and claws). Which is more evidence of stupidity on Disney's part, because let's face it: if your junior target market is afraid of the main characters, the senior secondary market that brought 'em there won't appreciate the nightmare fodder.
Then again, The Country Bears provided plenty of nightmare fodder for us as well, and we're over 30. For starters, TCB takes place in a universe where nobody thinks twice about talking, guitar-playing, stage-diving bears. Our protagonist, a cub named Beary (ack) Barrington, repeatedly asks if he's adopted, but his human parents insist that he isn't, causing no end of outraged confusion for Beary's human "brother" Dez---and most audience members.
Voiced by Haley Joel Osment (apparently taking a break from the screen while puberty has its way with his face and body), Beary is obsessed with the Country Bears; one of the movie's few bits of genuine humor is how his school assignments always come back marked "A+...but does everything have to be about the Country Bears?" After one round of dude-you're-a-freakin'-bear too many from Dez, Beary runs away from home to find Country Bear Hall.
Once he gets there, Beary discovers that the Hall is about to be repossessed by---holy crap, is that Christopher Walken? To raise the money needed to save the Hall, Beary and a couple Bears go on a road trip to get the band back together. Along the way they run into---sweet Jesus, is that Brian Setzer, Queen Latifah, Bonnie Raitt, Don Henley...? What the hell??? How on earth did Disney manage to convince these talented people to get involved in this monumental suck-fest? Just how much blackmail, intimidation and cold, hard cash was involved? Perhaps it's best that we never know.
For we already know too much: a movie is in the works based on Pirates of the Caribbean. (Criminy, did Cutthroat Island teach Hollywood nothing?) What's even more disturbing is that apparently Johnny Depp will be involved. This sounds too damn weird for us. Somebody pass the magic Kool-Aid.
Gadgetgirl
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