The Stripe Issue
March 27 - April 2, 2000

It stars Michael Chiklis, best known from The Commish, and soon to be seen portraying Curly in ABC's upcoming Three Stooges flick.

If they fail as a band, well, those Mickey Mouse and Goofy costumes don't just parade themselves around the park...

Right now, you're probably going through the same thought process we followed: "No, not the skank in Showgirls---that's Elizabeth Berkley---and not that woman in all those awful made-for-TV movies---that's Elizabeth McGovern."

Are you shocked to learn that all five hardbodied wunderkinder end up sharing a ridiculously fabulous Georgetown brownstone and romp around the joint in their undies?

We didn't actually attend any games this year, but other than the celebrity jones one might derive from the possibility of getting bitched-out by Billy Packer, why would anyone go?

Thank goodness society has progressed to the point where a mentally ill person can be vice president.

She's a Beauty...No, He's A Beauty...Wait, She's A Beauty...

The Journal got it right. The Academy of Motion Pictures was up in arms last Friday when the Wall Street Journal performed an "unscientific" poll, asking 6% of the Academy for whom they voted. And when the ballots came public on Sunday, it turned out every single prediction was right. Heck, the Journal even predicted Billy Crystal would run around with a big butterfly net. Oh, and that he'd try to sing again.

Chief among the Journal's bubble-bursting prophecies were American Beauty, a deserved Best Picture, and a Best Actress victory for self-righteous stick Hilary Swank for Boys Don't Cry, in which she played a girl trying to look like a boy (whereas on Sunday she played a boy trying to look like a girl). Never mind that the supposedly "true" murderous conclusion of Boys Don't Cry was allegedly majorly embellished for the screen; the biggest confusion was Swank, who rambled about her acting coach and every woman she'd ever met, but "forgot" to thank her "husband" Chad Lowe, who was bawling in the front row.

Funny. The Journal even predicted "a major sexual identity crisis will mar the festivities." And we thought they meant Anne Heche...