March 5 - 11, 2001

Costner Does

Julia and Brad
Stink In

Justin Bateman
Sinks Lower...

The Salary Cap
Must Stay...

Five Hammecher



Five Bad Bosses...

Five Immortalized By Weird Al Yankovic...

Five Television Ratings...

Five Producer Titles...

Five Predicting Tools...

 Five Hammecher Schlemmer Recommendations

You can have your Sharper Image and your Brookstone, only Hammecher Schlemmer (German for "very expensive Schlemmer") tests products and assigns a "Best" rating. Here are five bests of the bests:
Best Nose Hair Trimmer ($24.95)---Unlike regular nose hair trimmers that sever vital proboscis membranes, the Best Nose Hair Trimmer cuts just nose hair. Imagine! The Hammecher Schlemmer Best Nose Hair Trimmer is the only one to carry the Jamie Farr Seal Of Approval.

Best Hair Removal System ($89.95)---For those unfortunates whose whole body resembles the inside of Corporal Klinger's nose, Hammecher Schlemmer proudly offers the Best Hair Removal System. When a simple product is not enough to remove unwanted hair, you need a system. And this elaborate system (approved by actual estheticians from a Chicago spa) replaces the barbaric "scissors" and "razor" methods at only fifteen times the price!

Best Fondue Maker ($129.95)---This fondue maker was the only one tested by Hammecher Schlemmer fondueologists that kept the proper temperature for oil, cheese and chocolate. The Best Fondue Maker operates so quietly it won't drown out the quadrophonic sounds of ABBA.

Best Oyster Opener ($19.95)---The Best Oyster Opener makes a great companion gift to the Best Vitamin E Supplements and Best Johnny Mathis Album.

Best Large Dial Bathroom Scale ($119.95)---Fatties with bad eyesight will love this large-dial scale, which will tell them just how much fondue remains in their duodenum. Though for 120 bucks, it may be cheaper just to have the former Duchess of York hand deliver her book. Fergie'll do it for a hundred, leaving enough to pay for the first month of Jenny Craig. Or an extra Best Oyster Opener, since Fergie may be in a good mood.

Emil Gam