September 5 - 10, 2000

Bring It On
Can't Bring It

Priestley Goes Noir...

Quarterbacks Inherit
The Wind...

Five Excuses
For Erratic



Five Non-Gambling Las Vegas Attractions...

Five Redundant Names That Are Repetitive...

Five Insights From Lyle Lovett Lyrics...

Five Decade-Dominating Television Shows

Five Viral Marketing Success Stories...

 Five Excuses For Erratic Behavior

Just because you talk like you're on drugs and act like you're on drugs, you may not necessarily be on drugs. Here are five real reasons for incoherence:
Martin Lawrence's bad decisions include attempting to take a gun through airport security, sexually harassing a co-star, and appearing in Boomerang. His strangest decision, however, was going to a busy Los Angeles intersection and waving a pistol at drivers. He had to know most of them would be armed. The episode's official explanation, which is now de rigeur for Hollywood flipouts, was that Martin was suffering from exhaustion and dehydration.

You know what's really exhausting and dehydrating? Sunburn. When Anne Heche got a really bad sunburn (from driving), she did what any normal anorexic who just lost her meal ticket would do. She entered a stranger's house to tell them she was God and would be taking everyone to heaven on a spaceship. Imagine how bad it could have been if Anne drove a convertible.

Whitney Houston failed to perform at an Oscar ceremony because of a sore throat. She was sent home after forgetting lyrics during rehearsal ("I-I-I will always, line please."). That's no way to treat a diva, and the stress undoubtedly exacerbated her throat's soreness. When news of her dismissal was leaked, the public was shocked to learn that Oscar musical numbers are rehearsed.

When Ronald Reagan joked about outlawing Russia forever and bombing them, the official explanation was that he didn't know the microphone was on. It must be true, since the Press Secretary neglected the usual choices of Alzheimer's / he was just reading his cue cards / give him a break because he's pretty dumb.

Damir Dokic is the father and coach of rising tennis star Jelena Dokic, but he can't seem to hang around her tournaments for their duration. He was just kicked out of the U.S. Open for starting a fight. He may have looked drunk, but apparently the real issue for him was the price of a salmon platter in the player's dining room. He was much angrier at Wimbledon, when he got kicked out and then laid down in front of a taxi. It's a good thing for Mr. Dokic that salmon is less expensive Stateside, because New York taxi drivers would have insured that he'd ruined his daughter’s life for the last time.

Emil Gam