January 31 - February 6, 2005

Driven To

Our Super Bowl

Five Legacies
Of John

Gwen Stefani's
Solo Album...



Five Balls-To-The-Wall Inaugural Balls...

Five Fans Of The Overly Complex...

Five Of "America's Favorites..."

Five Kickass IPOs...

Five Eisnerian Transgressions...

 Five Legacies Of John Ashcroft

The man who sang "Let The Eagle Soar" is flying off to lower-profile pastures. Here are five memories of Attorney General John Ashcroft:
Lost An Election To A Dead Guy. John Ashcroft's last election was a loss to Mel Carnahan, who happened to be dead. It can't be good for your self-esteem to know that a majority of voters prefer someone who has already ascended to the right hand of the Father. But then again, if Ashcroft had been elected, he probably never would have been named Attorney General. It just goes to show you, every time God closes a door by slamming a Democrat's plane into the ground, he opens a window for John Ashcroft.

Believes Calico Cats Are Signs Of The Devil. The liberal press has reported that Ashcroft hates black cats. It's not true. He hates calico cats, as they are put on Earth by Satan to do, um, well, it's not exactly clear what. But they are EVIL! Black cats are fine, so long as they stay away from white female cats.

Anoints Self With Holy Oil. Each time John Ashcroft has taken public office, he has had himself anointed with holy oil. The joke's on John, as the supposedly consecrated oil is usually just a closeted staffer's Astroglide.

Covered Up A Statue. Justice may be blind, but she is stacked. In a now-famous $8,000 expense of taxpayer money, a curtain was placed over a figure that was apparently too alluring to keep the focus on terrorists. The worst part of this expense was that The Room Store offered to cover up the statue for $199.95, but that company is run by Jews, and Jews killed Jesus.

Declared America "Secure From Crime And Terror." Upon his departure from office, John Ashcroft said terror and crime were no longer a threat to America. A cynical person would say he was trying to make himself look better and set up his successor for failure. But most recognize the statement for what it was, one last attempt to turn the focus of the Justice Department to where it belongs---on ridding America of boobies and calico cats.

Emil Gam