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  Apprentice
January 19 - 25, 2004

 
Trump's
Hairpiece Gets A
Show...

 
Panthers,
Patriots Highlight
Super Bowl...

 
Five Artistic
Donald Trump
Deals...

 
Britney
Marries Self...?

 



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 Five Artistic Donald Trump Deals

In keeping with the recent FiveHole theme of profiling scumbags with bad hair (see Rose, Pete), it's time to take a look at Donald Trump. (Just don't stare directly, as you may turn into a pillar of salt.) Here are five of Trump's less successful ventures:
Casinos. Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts Inc. has been a publicly traded company since 1995. An investor from the company's public inception would have been better off putting money into a slot machine. The company has retained about 20% of its value, while slot machines pay off around 90%. Plus, the slots have flashing lights and shiny colors, which are sure to please the Donald's followers.

Trump Shuttle. Take a bankrupt company. Then increase the cost structure. Now you see the genius behind the Trump Shuttle. Well done, el Donaldo. The only people who make money in the airline industry are terrorists who martyr themselves for payment, and even that has a downside.

New Jersey Generals. Not everyone remembers the USFL. But for those of you who like your football played in the spring in empty stadiums, then the Birmingham Stallions battling the Memphis Showboats was your bag. It was le Donald's too, but then he wanted to force a merger with the NFL. Business lesson #1...NEVER MESS WITH THE NFL. If Jimmy Hoffa is buried in Giants Stadium, it's probably because he pissed off Pete Rozelle.

Presidential Candidate. Donald never formally declared his run in 2000, but he did send up multiple trial balloons about being the Reform Party's offering. Trump was out-maneuvered by George Bush in the vital shady-businessperson-with-no-experience niche. That, and the Reform Party decided Pat Buchanan was slightly more likable than il Donaldissmo, or more accurately, slightly less hateable.

Miss Teen USA. Das Donald's investment strategies may occasionally inspire derision, but Miss Teen USA doesn't have to make money to be a success. As long as it provides him with a steady stream of Mrs. Trumps, this baby pays for itself. All hail Donald!


Emil Gam