October 20 - 26, 2003

Kill Bill
Takes Its Name

Washlet Cleans
Out Your

Bartman Kills

Australian Hunks...



Five Of Arnold's Advisers...

Five Improvements In Bowling Alleys...

Five Giving The Clothes Off Their Backs...

Five Badass Asian Martial Arts Stars...

Five Pirate Movies...

 Five Australian Hunks

Forget the Canadian Conspiracy (but thanks to Martin Mull, how can you?), the American media is really controlled by Australians. Here are five that are good on ya:
Mel Gibson is by far the most successful Australian hunk, putting a likable, sincere, and funny face on suicide and excessive violence. Gibson's newest movie is The Passion, a likable, sincere, and funny story about the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. The film attempts to divert attention from Australian control of the media to where it belongs---on the Jews.

Errol Flynn put the "statutory" in "statutory rape." As the first Dreamboat From Down Under, Flynn is largely responsible for the tradition of good-looking men disguising their goofy accents. He is said to be the inspiration for the phrase "in like Flynn," which can alternately mean "popular with the opposite sex," or "capable of beating multiple statutory rape charges."

Russell Crowe is the reigning heartthrob, but he doesn't like giving insipid interviews to Entertainment Tonight. That makes him selfish and a bad person. After all, how can Australia control our media if they won't shill to Mary Hart at the belly of the beast?

Heath Ledger has received decent reviews and seems perfectly acceptable as the hot new blood for women who don't like their Oceanic fantasies wrinkled, dead, or surly. If you go by the box office results of The Four Feathers, that's a relatively small percentage.

Yahoo Serious introduced a whole generation of children to Albert Einstein, who otherwise wouldn't have known that the scientist liked beer and invented rock and roll. Yahoo Serious is largely forgotten. But the real crime is that he's not completely forgotten.

Emil Gam