March 31 - April 6, 2003

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Five Movies Enhanced By "Guns N' Roses"...

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Five Lives Of Colin Quinn...

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 Five Successors In Succession

If and when the U.S. President dies, gets impeached for receiving extramarital fellatio, or resigns to benefit from the tax cuts and environmental rollbacks he proposed, there's a long line to take his place. Here are five at the ready:
Secretary Of The Treasury. Current Treasury Secretary John Snow has only been in the position a short time. The previous secretary, retired New York Yankee Paul O'Neill, took the fall for the U.S. economy's striking resemblance to an El Camino trying to run on hydrogen fuel.

Secretary Of State. Current SOS Colin Powell has lost every battle for control of the Bush administration agenda. But President Powell would exact his revenge. First order of business at the inaugural ball? Rumsfeld and Ashcroft would have to slow dance to "Let's Get It On."

President Pro Tempore Of The Senate.Current President Pro Temp Ted Stevens has a long way to go to match his predecessor, the Honorable Strom Thurmond, who honorably advocated separate swimming pools for the "Nigra" race. The Pro Temp is usually the most senior member of the majority party, thus preserving America's hallowed tradition of being ruled by doddering old men.

Speaker Of The House. Current Speaker Dennis Hastert is in an awkward position, as this country will never have a Commander-In-Chief named "Dennis." Dennis has gone as high as he can go. He might as well change his name to "Osama."

Vice President. Current VP Dick Cheney is a rarity: a Veep who has no presidential aspirations. It doesn't matter. President Cheney wouldn't resign to benefit from tax cuts and environmental rollbacks, as he and his Halliburton ilk are already milking them. Plus, the extramarital fellatio would undoubtedly kill him.

Emil Gam