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October 21 - 27, 2002

 
Sandler Tries
A New Kind Of
Drunk...

 
Actual Funny
Shows On
Cable...

 
Terrell Owens
Signs His Media
Death
Warrant..

 
Five Royal, If
Not Regal,
Titles...

 
Two New R&B
Releases...

 



Recent
FiveHoles:

Fund
Five Fees From Your Friendly Neighborhood Bank...

Aspirin
Five Alternative Uses For Drugs...

Debut
Five Inauspicious Beginnings...

Zero
Five Car Dealer Ripoffs...

Cube
Five Extra Sequels To Sequels...

 
 Five Royal, If Not Regal, Titles

While the U.S. is plotting regime changes, don't forget our noble European friends. Their ruling class owes more to inheritance than Steve Forbes. And while it's good to be the king, there's still some prestige at the lower levels. Here are five non-kingly hereditary titles:
Viscount. In Spain, the Viscounts are barely royalty, ranking only above the lowly Barons. In America, Viscount is mispronounced more often that "nuclear."

Earl. In England, an Earl is the type of inventive gentleman who wraps meat betwixt bread to in order to remain at the gaming tables. In America, a man named Earl eats a Twix outside his RV at the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Marquis. In France, a Marquis may write treatises on the relationship between pain and sexual pleasure. In America, the back seat of a Grand Marquis serves the same purpose.

Duke. In England, a Duke defeated Napoleon, ridding the continent of a short, foul-mouthed tyrannical despot. In America, a short foul-mouthed tyrannical despot coaches the Duke basketball team.

Prince. In Soviet Union, Prince is someone Yakov Smirnoff cannot mock because of the repressive political structure. In America, Prince is someone Yakov Smirnoff cannot mock because no one will give Yakov a microphone.

Emil Gam