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  Shatter
August 19 - September 8, 2002

 
A Hollywood
Documentary Done
Right...

 
Law & Order
Teeters...

 
Priestley
Returns To
Headlines...

 
Are The Owners
To Blame...?

 
...Or Is It
The Players'
Fault...?

 
Five Ways
Slamball Will Save
TNN...

 



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 Five Ways Slamball Will Save TNN

Love and hope and sex and dreams are still surviving on the streets, but look at TNN (because no one else is). The network formerly known as "Nashville" has gone national, but until now no one cared. No one cared, that is, until Slamball. The new Saturday night sport/show has put The National Network back in business. Here are five reasons for the resurrection:
Slamball combines the best parts of different sports. Clearly, everything that could be thought of, has been thought of. That's why the patent office has shut down, and that's why innovation now means slapping a couple of already successful things together. If Slamball just had the dunking of basketball and full-contact defense of hockey (which it does), the game would be a success. But Slamball also has X-Games attitude. How can you tell? The players wear helmets!

Slamball lets men use trampolines without feeling emasculated. This is very important. Trampolines used to be reserved for Keri Strug and her ilk, so no self-respecting Mountain Dew drinker would use one. But now, you can use tramps to slam a basketball. What could be more butch than that?

Slamball has def, dope and hype team names. Slashers, Rumble, Mob. Anyone else think they would kick the Blue Jays' ass?

Slamball gives TNN a new spokesperson. Former Philadelphia 76ers President Pat Croce is the face of Slamball, and consequently TNN. In this role, he replaces Worf, who replaced Dale Earnhardt. This means that Croce is the only TNN spokesperson to date without superhuman powers or a legion of slavish followers.

Slamball is democratic. Anyone who wants to be a slamball player (also pronounced "play-a") can fill out an online application. Just remember that according to the site "By submitting your information...Telepictures Productions may use all material and information...in any way it deems fit...in perpetuity, throughout the universe." Wow! Slamball has a business plan than spans multiple galaxies! Looks like a certain TV network may be needing another name change.


Emil Gam