March 20 - 26, 2000

The Ninth Gate
Satan's School
for Girls

The Huntress

Then Came You

Who Wants to
be President?

And Then There
Were 16

H. Ross Perot



On the Dais of the Dead

Boys from a middle school locker room

Game Shows

Desperate For Awards


 Five H. Ross Perot Purchases

Here are five must-haves for any crazy billionaire:
After helping guide Apple Computers off-track, Steve Jobs founded a company called "NeXT." Despite Jobs' reputation as a psychotic shyster, NeXT needed more capital to fail on a truly grand scale. Enter Ross Perot. After seeing a documentary on the company, Perot called Jobs to pledge financial backing. Most people buy juicers from television shows, Perot buys companies. Most people who invest in failing companies lose money, but NeXT was eventually sold to some sucker named Apple Computers.
Ross Perot had to employ personal security guards when "Republican dirty-trick operators" threatened to "disrupt" his daughter's wedding, leading many to believe that Ross was "erratic" and "nuttier than a fruitcake."
Philanthropy is a hallmark of the Perot persona, and may be the reason he purchased an original copy of the Magna Carta and donated it to the National Archives. Another reason could be he thought it was really good champagne that could be served at his daughter's wedding. That is, until those damn Republican dirty-trick operators threatened to disrupt the whole thing.
Sometimes you buy more than you bargained. When H. Ross sold EDS to General Motors, he became GM's single largest shareholder. Owning a chunk of the country's largest company (in sales, if not respect) might seem like an appropriate avocation for an everyday tycoon, but the pressure to drive a Delta 88 can be intense. Perot ultimately resigned from GM's board, deciding that while erratic behavior is an admirable trait in people, it is less desirable in cars.
The American presidency cannot be bought, though its nominations might as well be featured on eBay. Ross Perot twice purchased a presidential nomination, and whatever positive effects he had on deficit and free-trade debates, his legacy is the Reform Party. The Reform Party's primary power brokers over the past year have been a once-bankrupt casino owner backed by a former professional wrestler, and a goosestepping isolationist backed by an African-American feminist Communist. With apologies to Kent Brockman, democracy just doesn't work.

Emil Gam