November 26 - December 2, 2001

Harry Potter
Is Decent...

Porned By An


Five Greatest
Movies Ever...



Five Semi-Complete Notions...

Five Friendly Groups...

Five Fifth Beatles...

Five Ben Franklin Inventions...

Five Industrial Subsidies...

 Five Greatest Movies Ever

Just like the human genome, our knowledge of movie hype is becoming more complete. Here are five recent examples of how we've taken learning to new levels:
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace---The movie used an overly long title to compensate for an overly long running time. Another way the hype was fed was by requiring theaters to meet certain quality requirements before the movie could be shown. Next time, the prequel's sequel might want try the same approach with the script.

Pearl Harbor---Sneak attacks by foreigners always make for replay-able footage, and Ms. Harbor rode the buzz of a preview featuring a cool bomb's eye view camera shot to huge early attendance. Word-of-mouth turned sour, however, once disappointed audiences discovered that Matt Damon had been surgically removed from Ben Affleck.

Planet Of The Apes---Remakes of movies that aren't too old get the benefit of interest from multiple generations. While Tim Burton did try to update most elements of the new version, he wisely maintained the tradition of casting a gay icon in the lead. At least Mark Wahlberg doesn't feel the need to compensate by publicly fondling guns.

Harry Potter & The Sorcerer's Stone---Steven Spielberg was the early choice to direct the big screen adaptation, but the assignment eventually went to Chris Columbus on the strength of his prior work with children. This prior work included Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire and Nine Months. Ugh. The public interest would be better served with children being directed by Roman Polanski.

The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring---Long title, icon heavy preview, remake, slavish adaptation of a book with plenty of elfin magic. That's it! Movies have reached their pinnacle! After this movie there will be no need to ever see a movie again! Huh? What do you mean they're already making two sequels?

Emil Gam